I ask myself this question, with the fantasy of a child receiving his birthday gift, almost every other time. Especially when my morning prayers are concerned, no matter the speed of which it is completed in. I get the same answer, always. That’s because the answer is created in my head. I authored the answer, out of my own supposedly robust sense of understanding of how He works.
Boy was I wrong.
A couple of weeks back, right after a show, to which I performed to a loving crew and crowd, unexplainably called the organisers and asked if there anything going on. I just took the plunge to be a full time musician. I'm heading there, and a succession of projects would supply me with the mana that I need for the journey.
"Raas Leela practice today, come if you are free, Bullet"
Raas Leela. Something to do with Krishna, best of all, back to groove with my favourite group of people.
Packed my keys and drove off, and upon reaching the doors to the studio, I'm greeted by a mixed palate of wide smiles, and tired, dreamy eyes.
"Bullet, you're singing!"
I rebuked at the suggestion, initially, but taking into consideration that this would be a chance to explore, I accepted the invite. After all, its Krishna, and how could one refuse such a request. Hence the journey started, I'll be rendering a song for Raas Leela, and the chosen song would then haunt me for the next couple of weeks. All the way till showtime.
Till the very day Raas Leela was happening, a perpetual roller-coaster, dancing on a turbulent tsunami inside, kept giving me the jitters. Raas Leela was riding on the feel of the subject, and somehow, the song didn't connect enough, especially during rehearsals. I'm more expressive banging drums for a living, but this song was just like a Jedi mind trick gone wrong. With just 2 hours to go, I finally popped the question, and with the help of a friend, I chose to change the song altogether. Krishna's presence was already felt, and how else fitting could it be than to garland him with the very song that I wanted to sing, the song to which I would sing in my fantasy of meeting God?
Showtime. Krishna majestically walked amongst the crowd, standing out like a beacon. As the Raas Leela began to unfold, my heart started pounding with the intensity of a mridangam in full swing mode. Loud, and intimidating. And from there on, when my turn was up, I took a peek, and there he was, standing right in front, beaming a coy smile.
And I broke down. All that thoughts of wowing Him with that song, fell, shattered into miniscule fragments, so tiny, they would have been smaller than dust particles.
And so did I.
The Raas Leela, began as it was intended to, by His grace, and ended the way it was directed by Him as well. A magical journey in which I got connected to wonderful souls in the same road of self discovery, and being put through the test in His own creative ways.
If there was something to be learnt, it was to stop thinking. Feel it, and let go.
Live it. Feel it. and Let go.
If God appeared again, I don't know, lets just see how it will go from there.